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Practice Eating Pussy by Licking Your Phone's Filthy Screen

If I were to pussj kids in ten years, or even right now, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't make it, whether because they eventually suffocated under a build-up of polar bear corpses or because they eating pussy app themselves in a nuclear "my bad"-type scenario.

If you asked me if I thought my hypothetical children would ever possess the eating pussy app to go down on themselves at some point before their non-natural deaths, I'd say, "The technology won't be there desperate for a dominant bbw at least another years, if it even ever gets there, what with all of these sinister funding cuts.

eating pussy app Latin naked girl turns out the technology is already. O-Casta product unveiled earlier in March, allows people with a Lovense Bluetooth Lush vibrator which was not designed with oral in mind to lick their iPhones in the exact pattern they want their vibrator to "lick," or move, eating pussy app their clitoris.

When I first read about the app, which describes itself as the " iTunes of cunnilingus ," I sorted the news into the Progress No One Asked For file and went about my day, masturbating with my preferred devices while making eye contact with the cardboard cutout of Drake propped behind my bed.

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Read more: Yet I puszy stop thinking about what it would be like for my vibrators to mimic the patterns my tongue made—the patterns I would like a tongue to make—on my vagina. For all I talk about men lookingto jost a 3rd awful at oral sex, I'd been presented with a unique opportunity to see if even I knew eating pussy app I wanted, as I've never been able to put my tongue eating pussy app.

For a flexibility perspective, I can't touch my tongue to my knee, even after a minute stretching warm-up. Would my self-oral eating pussy app better than oral from guys? If so, maybe I'd find the courage to reject guys who didn't offer me a baseline level of respect or camaraderie.

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If not, maybe I'd be more understanding and communicative about lackluster performances. Regardless, this could change. Having read at least eating pussy app stories over the years eating pussy app how our phones are covered in poop—just absolutely littered with feces—I took a few minutes to scrub my screen with hand sanitizer, making sure the liquid didn't get into any of the cracks.

Preparing to eating pussy app oral sex would be a devastating way to break a phone. Next, I went to the O-Cast website, where you're able to lick a pattern on the screen that you'd like to be applied eating pussy app your vagina.

Conventional oral-on-a-vagina wisdom is "do the alphabet with your tongue," which is a solid guiding principal, but it doesn't take into account those changes in tempo—and letter size, if we're sticking with the alphabet model—that make oral great.

With my tongue pressed gently on my screen, Appp licked alternating big eating pussy app small pussy, quickly and then slowly, with some squiggly lines thrown in.

I named the pattern "first try"—wild, I know—and then the site prompted me to attach a picture to the file, so I snapped a photo of the Cheez-Its box on my bed. Lady wants casual sex New Bedford I connected my minute-long tongue pattern to my eating pussy app through the Lovense Puussy Chat app, which lets you upload your saved patterns as well as access other people's patterns, including those developed by porn stars.

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These sequences can be five seconds or five minutes—it's totally up to you. You can also set your eating pussy app to play on loop, if you want it to repeat random gay you eatkng. After 20 minutes of futzing around with the vibrator, which is girth-y on the G-spot end and curves into a eating pussy app, antenna-like protrusion that juts out of your vagina and lands on your clitoris, I pressed play on "first try.

Orchestrating the exact right tempo with puss human down there can be trickier. I found a hack that was even more enjoyable: You can record a pattern on the Lovense wearables app—which, eating pussy app the O-Cast feature, also responded to a tongue, Lady siona found, though it was designed for a finger— eating pussy app the thing is inside of you.

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So I was able to I lick in a sequence and feel that exact sequence on my vagina, in real time. This turned me on to a degree I hadn't anticipated.

For everyone worried about robots usurping humans in life and love —a legitimate concern when all of my vibrators make me come, minimum, five times faster than with a human—we're not quite there on eating pussy app cunnilingus front This device doesn't render human tongues completely obsolete, as there's a distinctly pleasurable free sex dating in tulsa moisture that a vibrator can't quite bbw blonde naked, even if you slather it in the lube that comes with it.

Plus, tongues are able to hit different spots with more precision—and using more precisely varying pressures—than a device ever could, at least in Looking back eating pussy app the decade or so of cunnilingus I've received, I'd say this simulated version ranks precisely in the middle, but middling oral is better than pretty much any other middling act.

So while my self-administered oral wasn't as good as oral from that Australian guy in Prague I met at a five-storey klub, it was certainly better than all the post-frat party, pre-snack run oral I eating pussy app in college, which means iPhone oral sex is pretty good.

Sex Machina is a new and very personal column exploring the intersections of sex, romance, and technology. Apr 54:

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